Embedded Files
Howl's
What is this page for?
What is this page for?
Originally, this FAQ was the only page on this site. I created it with the intent to provide answers to questions I knew I was going to be asked when I first came out as nonbinary, with the hope that providing a resource for folks to refer to would cut down on the number of times I had to provide the same answers. Fortunately for me, it worked!
When did you first come out as nonbinary?
When did you first come out as nonbinary?
I came out publicly as nonbinary on March 6th 2023. A handful folks knew prior to that date for a variety of reasons, but I consider that date the first time I was officially public about my true self.
So Howl is nonbinary, what does that mean?
So Howl is nonbinary, what does that mean?
For me personally it means I don't have a gender, even though I might choose to present one in public for many reasons, including to keep myself safe or to play a role in a show. I might also chose to present no gender at all, or aspects of many at once. Regardless of presentation and appearance, I am always a nonbinary and agender individual.
Wait, Howl? I thought your name was something different!
Wait, Howl? I thought your name was something different!
It probably was! But the name I feel is a better representation of myself is Howl, and I would appreciate you using it.
Table of Contents
Is it okay for me to keep calling you by the same name or nickname I've always used?
The short answer is no, it is absolutely not okay for you to continue to call me by any name other than Howl (with the one exception being when I am playing a role on stage).
The longer version of that same answer is that I do understand this is likely going to take time for you to get right, and that's okay. Much like with adapting to my correct pronouns, I know that many folks who read this page will have literal years of practice at calling me one name to unlearn, and that's not going to be an easy process. But just like with learning to use the correct pronouns for me, learning to use my real name is a hard requirement for my continued presence and involvement in your life. It's okay if you slip and get it wrong from time to time in the beginning, but for my sake I ask that you practice and accept corrections gracefully.
Howl sounds weird. Can I use your new surname instead?
The short answer is no, my name is Howl, and I'd like you to use it.
Additionally, I'd like you to consider why you're asking to call me by my surname, rather than by the name I've introduced myself with. Is this a question you'd ask a new person you just met? Are you asking because you think my surname feels like more of a name to you than Howl does? Respectfully, my name is not about your preferences or comfort, it's just my name, and I would appreciate you learning it correctly.
Didn't you have several names listed here previously? Where did they go?
When I first came out I used different names in different communities/spaces, and I didn't want to have to make more than one FAQ page. However, after choosing my new name I'd prefer folks use Howl over any other name they may have known me by in the past.
Why didn't you tell me about your name change in advance?
Why didn't you tell me about your name change in advance?
Changing my name has been something I've put a ton of thought and work into, and it's not something I'm doing lightly. There is a massive amount of work involved in updating this part of my identity, some of which I've already started.
Because this is a change that I have already invested a ton of effort into - emotionally, mentally, and logistically, I just do not have the emotional fortitude left to inform individuals or specific groups prior to a large sweeping announcement on social media the way I did when I came out as non-binary. Regardless of who is reading this, I can promise you that your lack of prior awareness is not a reflection or commentary on our relationship in any way shape or form. It's simply that there's a lot of folks to inform and I'm already tired.
Plus, think of the confusion! If I told folks individually about my name change, some of you would know, while others wouldn't. Some folks would be calling me Howl, and others wouldn't know who they meant! Logistically, it's easier to "hard launch" my new name than it is to spend time making sure everyone knows one-on-one.
Lastly, keep in mind that cis folks change their names for any number of reasons (including marriage, nicknames, adoption, etc) and that never requires a formal announcement. Sometimes it even comes with a big party! So while my name change won't come with a party (unless someone else throws me one), I ask that you kindly adapt and update my contact info in your various devices.
Okay I understand why you wouldn't tell most people, but I'm not "most people". You should have at least told me!
Respectfully, no. I do not owe anyone anything when it comes to my identity, and it is entirely up to me when and how I inform people about myself.
I am sorry if you feel hurt by not being informed in advance, but I encourage you to read the answer just above this one again, and examine why you feel that way. I am extremely fortunate to know so many people who care about me, and want me in their lives, but there is still just one me. If I took the extra time to inform every person I'm close to individually, I'd have to spend much longer letting folks use a name I no longer identify with, and that would be a much more painful and uncomfortable experience for me than inadvertently upsetting someone by not giving them a heads up about my name.
What are your pronouns?
What are your pronouns?
Thanks for asking! I use They/Them pronouns, and I understand some folks are still getting used to that change. Please know I appreciate your continued efforts to adopt my pronouns, and I especially appreciate you receiving corrective feedback with grace and understanding.
Do you have different pronouns at Faire/SCA events?
At faire I play two characters: Mary-anne who is a woman, and Martin who is a man. You can call Mary-anne she/her or they/them! You can call Martin he/him or they them! Backstage when I'm just me I use they/them, but I'll understand if you occasionally slip up. Also, if it's easier for you to not swap between pronouns, you're welcome to just use they/them for myself and any character I play! At SCA events I'm still me, just with a different name and a costume, so they/them is still the way to go. If this ever changes I'll let you know!
Do you have different pronouns at work/in professional environments?
In 2023 I made an announcement to my team at work, and my colleagues have been awesome about changing their language for me. At this point I exclusively use They/Them both personally and professionally! If you're a coworker, you can help by using they/them and politely reminding others if they forget.
I'm so sorry in advance! Please forgive me if I make a mistake and misgender you! I'm sorry I'm going to mess this up so often!
Hey, I get it. Changing your language can come very easily to some people, and is very difficult for others. Either way it's going to take practice, and that's part of this process! You don't need to make a big deal out of it when it happens, and you don't need to apologize in advance for misgendering me. We all know you're going to make mistakes here and there. That's okay! I would much rather you make mistakes and keep trying to change than you give up because this is hard. Tell me that you're going to do your best, and that you'll keep trying because you want to support me/validating my identity matters to you. That's the most important part.
Do you have any tips or ideas for making it easier for me to remember your pronouns?
Like lots of things, the best way to remember them is to practice! Talk to yourself about me out loud when you're alone at home! Tell yourself and/or your pets stories about me using the new pronouns! Wonder aloud if I would enjoy the show you're watching, the color of your home's walls, or this funny thing you just read on the internet. "Would Howl like this very funny meme of a T-Rex trying to pick up a stick off the ground? I bet they would laugh at it!" "They wore a really cool pair of shoes today!" "I wonder if I can ask for their cookie recipe next time I see them?"
I've been trying really hard to get your pronouns right but keep messing up, what should I do?
First of all, keep trying. No matter how long it takes! But also remember if you're really struggling, you can skip my pronouns entirely and just use my name instead. I would much rather you use my name than continually misgender me, and using the wrong pronouns forever isn't an option if you want to remain a part of my life.
How does you being nonbinary impact or change our friendship/relationship/acquaintanceship?
How does you being nonbinary impact or change our friendship/relationship/acquaintanceship?
That's really up to you. I'm the same me I've always been, regardless of if you were introduced to me as nonbinary to begin with or not. I have better and ever evolving language to talk about myself now, and am more confident in expressing my identity. How that changes your perception of our relationship as human beings who exist in this society is your call.
How does this affect your sexuality?
The short answer is, it doesn't. I'm still bisexual, which for me means I experience attraction regardless of a person's gender identity or expression. For more specific questions about sexuality and how it relates to gender identity, this page might be a good place to start, if you prefer not to just Google things.
I'd been referring to you as "Auntie" with my kid(s), should I change that?
I'd been referring to you as "Auntie" with my kid(s), should I change that?
When I first came out as nonbinary I wrote, "Nah, I see "auntie" as a title more than a gendered thing, so this is fine for now. If I find a title I like better, I'll let you know!"
While it's true I still see terms like "auntie", "uncle", etc as titles more than gendered terms, there are instances now where it feels like some folks struggle to remember or adopt use of my pronouns because they interpret those titles as being gender specific, and have difficulty understanding the nuance in my identity. Because of that, at this point I prefer gender neutral titles whenever possible, like "Pibling", "Sibling", "Teetee", "Untie", "Nuncle", etc. If you're unsure what title I'd prefer given our specific relationship, or have a suggestion for a different title you'd like to use, just ask me.
What about referring to you as my sister, daughter, etc.?
When I first came out as nonbinary I wrote, "Anything like that to me is a title, and you're welcome to keep using it! If that changes and I'd prefer a different title at any point, I will let you know! But for now if you've known me as your sister this whole time, then I'm still your sister. I'm just your sister who happens to be nonbinary. "
As with the answer above this one, my perspective on this has shifted a bit since I first came out. I do still see "sister" as a title, and there may even be instances where I use it myself. But at this point I'd prefer the use of "sibling" over "sister" and something like "offspring", "beloved spawn", or even "adult child" to "daughter". Whenever possible, genderless terms will always be my preference.
I have really specific questions and want to learn more about this!
I have really specific questions and want to learn more about this!
I'm glad! There's a ton of information you can Google. This workbook on the construct of gender and gender identities as a whole is an excellent place to start! I highly recommend reading through at least Chapter 5, as that section of the book will give you a good baseline of information. Beyond that, please know that I myself am not a library and I do not owe you free access to unlimited information on this topic, nor do I speak for every nonbinary/trans person. I may or may not choose to answer any detailed questions, and if we do not already have a close relationship, asking anything that isn't covered by this FAQ page might be invasive and/or unwelcomed.
But I don't want generic information about gender as a concept, I want detailed information about YOU specifically.
But I don't want generic information about gender as a concept, I want detailed information about YOU specifically.
It's nice to want things. Depending on who you are and what you're asking, I might have answers for you, but please don't expect me to do free emotional labor for you just because I spoke or posted about my identity and pronouns publicly. Google is a free resource.
If I hear someone misgender you, should I correct them?
If I hear someone misgender you, should I correct them?
If you feel comfortable doing so, yes absolutely! But be nice about it please.
If I hear someone use a name other than Howl when referring to you, should I correct them?
Yes absolutely! As of you reading this any name other than Howl is something I consider a deadname, and you are welcome to kindly remind the person that my name is Howl. But as always, please be nice about it.
Does this mean you're trans?
Does this mean you're trans?
Yes. This page has more information regarding Trans and Nonbinary identities, and how they relate. If you want more specifics, please start with a Google search.
Does being trans mean you're going to transition?
It's important to understand that a gender transition looks like different things for every trans person. This page is a good resource to start with, if you want to get a better grasp of the basics. One of the most crucial things to understand is that a gender transition can simply be a person stating that their pronouns have changed, and living openly as the person they know themself to be. While transitioning can include lots of different medical interventions, it can also just be new pronouns, new clothes, and or even just a haircut.
Transitioning is deeply personal and unique for every individual. By telling you I'm nonbinary and using they/them pronouns, I've already undergone one transition. Whether or not I do more than that is entirely up to me, and does not necessarily need to be information that's made available to everyone. If you're interested in the specifics of my personal journey, I'd like to refer you to this answer in my FAQ.
How can I best support you?
How can I best support you?
Thanks for asking! You can support me by using my pronouns, using my name, and by being aware that while this may be new for you, it's an ongoing journey for me! I am continually working through what this means for me and will likely perpetually be a work in progress while I grow and evolve. I don't really need or want to be treated any differently than you may have treated me in the past, but when in doubt be kind.
You can also show your support by working to increase your understanding of gender identities, and by practicing good allyship. Use your privilege to support folks with genders that differ from your own, and do what ever you are capable of to promote and show support of laws and lawmakers that protect trans and nonbinary folks.
Lastly, you can show support by believing myself and other folks when we tell you what our gender is, regardless of appearance or any preconceived notions you might have. This also means not making jokes or centering your discomfort when you're corrected on a person's gender. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, even me! The best approach is to acknowledge your mistake, thank the person for helping you learn, and move on with the conversation.
Have you told [specific person] yet? How does [specific person] feel about this?
Have you told [specific person] yet? How does [specific person] feel about this?
At this point, yes! Either they were informed directly, they found out through a facebook post or a link to this page, or they've found out organically through mutual friends. If someone is still unaware, it's likely that I do not have a very close relationship with that person, and they may only see me at certain in-person events that occur periodically. If you want to know what someone specific (like my mom, a close friend, etc.) thinks about all this, you should ask them! If you don't know that person well enough to ask them directly, then perhaps you should examine why you think that person's take on my lack of gender matters so much to you.
Why didn't you tell me any of this sooner?
Why didn't you tell me any of this sooner?
Honestly, if you're just finding out about this now, I'm as surprised as you are. I originally came out in 2023, so I'm not certain how you've missed it for so long! But if you're reading this page I either care about you very much, or you expressed interest in more specifics about my identity than I had the energy to explain one-on-one. Please understand that's not a commentary on you or our relationship, but rather indicative of the emotional labor I and other trans folks constantly do to help others understand and accept us for who we are as individuals.
This is all too difficult/too confusing. Don't expect me to change.
This is all too difficult/too confusing. Don't expect me to change.
Well, that sucks. While I understand that gender identities might not be something you're used to thinking about, or even want to think about it, it's an unavoidable part of my existence. I can't chose to be anything other than I am, and as I'm sure you're aware, change is a part of life. This particular change is one change you can't choose to ignore without actively choosing to remove yourself from my life. Sorry/not sorry but that's just how this is going to work. Feel free to see yourself out.
Lol you're NB? Well I identify as an attack helicopter.
Lol you're NB? Well I identify as an attack helicopter.
Okay neat. What are your pronouns so I can use them correctly?
Unless of course, you weren't being serious, and think you just made a funny joke.
Pro Tip: You're not being funny, you're actually being an asshole, and you probably need to examine what it is about the existence of trans/nonbinary people that makes you so uncomfortable you feel the need to mock someone for trying to tell you more about themselves.
I read all of this, and I don't know what to say.
I read all of this, and I don't know what to say.
Honestly? That's cool. You don't have to say anything! You can just vibe and/or go about your day. This has all just been useful info I wanted to make available, and I don't expect everyone to know how to respond or how they feel about it right away. Do what's best for you homie.
Can I share this page with my trans/nonbinary/queer friend(s)?
Can I share this page with my trans/nonbinary/queer friend(s)?
Sure! I'm glad you like this thing I put together, and if you think it would be helpful for someone you know who's gone or is going through a similar process, feel free to show it to them.
Does this page look different compared to the last time I visited this site?
Does this page look different compared to the last time I visited this site?
Very likely! I originally wrote this page as a way of more easily communicating information I knew I would get asked by friends, family, coworkers, and other folks when I first came out as nonbinary. It was always my intention to keep this page updated as more questions were asked, and as my confidence and perspective on my identity evolved. That remains true, so I periodically revisit this site and make updates as needed in order to make sure this information remains current with my gender identity. You can always check the banner at the top of this page for the date of the most recent update.
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse